"The Beginning Initiation"

The title above I borrowed from Dr. Clarissa Estes’ book, Women Who Run With Wolves, a book that I’ve been working my way through and starting over and working through for years now.

The “initiation,” as she calls it, is that of the naive or unawakened woman, of any age, who chooses to go through life playing “nice” and ignoring her wilder instincts (that of premonition, knowing, seeing, or “gut feelings”). Then, this woman awakens to her own power, her own intuition.

Once conscious, she can never go back…and must begin to live her life awake and anew.

“Those who would develop consciousness pursue all that stands behind the readily observable.”

And…so it is, with this knowledge and this hope (?) I decide to put it down here and go forward with this wild and crazy ride of my awakening….

Why can't it be enough? I see so many other women who don't desire for anything more...who are fulfilled just as they are...and i think..."why can't i be like them?" "what is WRONG with me!?"

i have no idea just to put that on the table...it's just that i feel i have this insane double identity? like there's the part of me that's in the world that everyone sees and that's doing what is expected of her

then...there's the other side of me that knows there's so much more to me and to this life than what's on the surface...i know because i've touched it, felt it, SEEN it

in dreams, visions, meditations...ok not to get too woo woo but it's there and it feels like i'm being pulled by another side of life/existence/the universe/whatever to tap into it, and when i do, that's when i'll really be in my true self and my "right" place

i've had visions while meditating that were SO vivid and SO real...and then...there i am, back sitting on my floor and the "real world" comes crashing down

so, at this point? i'm just trying to take whatever little messages i receive during those moments and hold on to them like a little kid finding beautiful shells at the beach...

message one: "you are never alone...nor shall you ever be"

ok, this message has been with me for several years now, the result of a very long meditation i did during teacher training for a yoga instruction program...the meditation was supposed to be "shadow parts" so we looked at what were our fears...and apparently my main fear is being alone...like, truly alone, like isolated with no one to talk to

(ironically, this is exactly how i tend to be much of the time as i've become a serial individualist and almost-hermit...people are notoriously unreliable i've learned so i tend to shy away from knowing many people)

as i fearfully confronted this feeling and terror of being ALONE...a calm reassuring voice (definitely NOT my own, because it was so calm and grounding) came through and said, "you have never been alone...nor shall you ever be"

and suddenly, as quickly as that fear rose in me, it subsided...and i was gifted with images of myself as a small small child sitting alone in so many places as i did growing up, feeling very alone, and then those images shifted to show my spirit guides (stay with me), three of them, sitting all around me at every time, smiling and watching over me as i played...and i realized...none of us are alone!

we never have been and we never will be...at any moment there are so many benevolent presences watching over all of us (angels, guides, long-lost relatives, deities, take your pick) and sending us love and good wishes...kind of like our own private cheering section for life...all we need to do is tap into that

because if there's one thing i've learned...God, the Universe, the Power that Is...whatever your name for it is...that power is GOOD and only wants good for all of us and only wants the good that is inside of us to drive us through this life so we can be "our best selves"---whatever that is

i know you're thinking..."what about all the bad in the world?" and you're right, humans can be pretty awful to each other, but the lesson here is that we CHOOSE to be awful to each other and ourselves, just like we can CHOOSE to be good to ourselves and others

and the secret sauce to all of this? our natural state? our easiest and most resistance-free state? is the GOOD

THAT is the gift i was given during that mediation...i've never been alone and there has always been a cheering section around me rooting for me to do good, to be good, to live good...and when i tap into that and realize that? MAGIC! or flow, or natural state, or any other positive adjective you can think of

in fact, when i remember that the universe wants my best and the best for me and wants me to do good and that it's the most natural state for me...my day FLOWS, and boy, does it flow...i'm sure you can relate, things work, traffic opens up, conversations are suddenly more lively and positive, my kids don't fight as much, it all gets sweeter and more wonderful

but...when i forget this lesson, when i let go of the good, boy, do i FEEL it...i drop things, run into stuff, get stuck in traffic, have really terrible arguments with people, feel sad, alone, anxious, you name it!

you'd think after learning this lesson once i'd keep it front and center forever...well, unfortunately i have a short memory, as i suspect we all do...and i forget almost every other day, and then i need to slow down, check in, and remember what i've been taught

and remember that the lesson i've been given was meant to be shared...it's not just MY lesson, it's OUR lesson...because we are all connected (more on that another time)

i guess that's the first lesson i vividly remember getting

now, maybe i've lost you

maybe you're convinced i'm crazy or delusional or naive or all three...and maybe i am, but i'm convinced there's more out there than this surface life, and i'm pretty sure, if you're honest with yourself, you are too.